What do you think of my short story? (:?

Hi! Thanks for reading! Any comments and criticism is really appreciated! I'm writing this for english class, so if you think of anyone to improve, let me know! I WILL choose best answer.





“Her foot slipped, and she started to fall”





She hugged her friends and waved as she walked away. A choir of “See you tomorrow” and “Don’t forget Mr. Canon’s homework!” echoed as the 17-year old brunette got on the city bus and headed home.


Eva took the key out of her backpack and opened the door. “I’m home” she announced as she walked in. She then heard a loud crash coming from the kitchen, and a scream from her younger brother, Wilson, followed by sobs. Eva knew exactly what was happening, her mother was drunk once again.


She ran to the kitchen to pick up her 8-year old brother, who had been pushed in the table. “Don’t worry, you’ll be okay. Go to your room and get your pajamas. We’ll sleep at grandmas tonight.” said Eva, as she tried to comfort him. Wilson found the courage to mumble “O-Okay”, as he got up.


This was nothing new to the Rickinson’s family. Ever since their dad left for another woman, the fairy-tale family had become a wreck. Linda, mother of the two, was diagnosed with bipolar and was now an alcoholic refusing help for her issues.


“Mom, you have to stop this pattern. Me and Wilson are going to be at grandma’s house for the night, please try to be sober when we come back tomorrow”, said the older sibling. Linda reached over for the frying pan, and started to hit her daughter continuously laughing hysterically, as she reached for the vodka again.


Eva walked to her brother’s room holding back tears as she knew she had to be the strong for Wilson. They packed clothes for a few nights and sneaked out the back door, wanting to catch the late bus heading to the east end of the city.


They arrived to their grandma’s house around twilight. They enjoyed her famous grilled cheese, but Eva still couldn’t relax. While their grand-mother helped Wilson get ready for bed, Eva decided to take a walk to blow-off steam.


She walked through a gloomy, lonely park leading to a rusty old bridge over-looking the busy city. Under her was a cold river full of rapids. This was, and always had been her secret place to go when things got to hectic at home.


As she carefully sat on the edge of the bridge, thought were racing through her head. “You could end it now. Just jump. Jump. Jump. Finish this living hell once and for all.” the girl thought to herself. As tempted as she was to end her life, she knew she could never leave her brother. He needed her, and she knew it.


She took one last look through the mist at the city lights, took a deep breath and wiped her tears. She got up to go home, but her foot slipped and she started to fall.|||Suggestions:


-Show, don't tell.


-Pay attention to pacing. The story just flew by.


-Characters need more fleshing out.





More detailed critique:


-As soon as she comes home, she hears her brother screaming, and immediately jumps to the assumption that her mother is drunk once more. However, describe it to us. Make us hear her brother's piercing shrieks, make us feel the main character's fear or anger. Surely she must feel some emotion. Convey it.





-Her reaction to the above part seems unrealistic. She's emotionless, keeping her cool. Shouldn't she be screaming at her mother, or running to protect her little brother? Where is her mom during this? Confusing.





-You need to describe the mother. How does she look? Messy hair, rumpled clothes, reddened eyes?





-The dialogue needs some work. It doesn't sound real.





-Linda wouldn't be able to hit someone with a frying pan, laugh hysterically, and reach for her vodka at the same time. She's drunk, she should be more uncoordinated, reacting slower with more sluggish movements. Drink might make her more violent, but it doesn't make her stronger. Also, with alcohol, she's probably only going to be violent if she's angry (which is why the laughing hysterically part doesn't make too much sense to me)





-Once again, the reaction to the pain is unrealistic. Make us feel frying pan cracking against her head. Warm blood, dizziness, maybe her eyesight is blurry. Has she curled up on the cold kitchen floor, curling her arms around her head to protect herself? If somebody was hit repeatedly with a frying pan, they would react emotionally, crying or screaming or running like hell.





-Did Eva tell the grandmother what happened? What was the grandma's reaction? Was she horrified or angry or did she just look her age? Did she not want to hear what the girl had to say as she didn't want to believe her own daughter could do such a thing? Did she pressure her grandaughter into telling her what happened when she caught sight of the bruises and cuts?





-As the emotions she goes through aren't really shown throughout the story, her contemplation of suicide comes as a surprise. She seems very collected, unnaturally calm and able throughout the story, and now all of a sudden she wants to die?





Overall, the story has potential. It's interesting enough, and successfully kept my attention. However, the characters could use some fleshing out, and some more description would definitely help it along. Nicely done, though, and keep at it! Have fun writing :D|||Pretty good.





I would recommend you put space between paragraphs so you can tell more easily when a new paragraph is starting.





Also you might want to tweak the ending to make it a little more punchy. As it is written it sounds like the beginning of a longer story, but I'm assuming you meant to end it there.